Congratulations for making it to Day 6! Today let’s talk about our expectations.
I believe that we often complain because our expectations aren’t being met. This happens in at least two ways. First we have expectations about how other people should behave. Remember that anytime you hear the word “should”, that’s the voice of your inner critic either telling you or someone else what to do.
People have many reasons for not behaving in line with our expectations. Maybe they are being defiant; maybe they have their own agenda; maybe your needs, wants, desires aren’t a priority for them; maybe they are just living their life their way.
Sometimes we have expectations of other people and we haven’t even told them what we want! (This is a big issue in the couples I work with.) In any case, it’s their life and they are free to choose what they do. And our expectations are our issue – not theirs.
But we complain when what they do irritates, frustrates, disappoints, aggravates or confuses us. What would it be like to accept other people for who they are and how they choose to live? Especially those who are closest to us.
We also complain when situations don’t turn out the way we think they should. We often complain when something takes longer or is more difficult or complicated than we had expected. Who ever told us that life would – or should – be easy? Or that the path from desire to fulfillment would be a straight line?
I have a friend who rarely complains. Sometimes I try to get him to complain by being compassionate and understanding about a situation he is involved in. I know, though, that what I’m saying is mostly projection on my part about how I would feel if I were dealing with the same issue. My friend’s response is always the same: “It is what it is”.
OK, your assignment today is to take a look at your complaints and ask yourself what your expectations are about another person’s behavior or the situation you’re in. What “should” they have done differently? What “should” have happened instead of what did happen? Really listen for the “should”.
Then ask yourself how this moment would be different for you if you accepted the reality of what they actually did or how it actually turned out.
Have a great day and let’s hope the Vancouver Canucks get back in the game!
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Copyright Anne Pustil 2011, http://www.CoachingInANutshell.com
What if the response to the “should” for the other person’s actions now doesn’t make any difference in the outcome? And what if our actions “should” have been very different way back when? Are we still allowed to complain? (I say allowed, but you know what I mean). The “it is what it is” is almost an acceptance response I think. Is your friend’s life so in-sync with his wants that he really doesn’t have that much to complain about?
I’m listening more to my complaints because I realized how short our lives really are. And what’s the point of striving each day to make it better if we don’t listen more to those things that bug us? (Which I think is your point as well here)
Thanks Anne for bringing the thought process to light here… still working through the thoughts.
K
You’re welcome, Kathy! I think you’re talking about regret here. Either way, our feelings always have important information to give us. I believe that my friend accepts that sometimes things work out the way we want them to and sometimes they don’t.
I absolutely agree with you that it’s important to listen to our complaints to see what they can tell us about how we want things to be different.
Warmly,
Anne