Coaching in a Nutshell

Are you ready to wake up and create the life that you want?

Tag: Mind Power

The Forbidden Emotion

Anger.

We’ll ignore it, submerge it, eat it away, project it onto someone else, pretend that we don’t feel it (“What?  Me angry?”) or use an infinite number of ways to avoid being aware or owning that we’re angry.

Is it ok for you to feel angry?  Or do you, like so many people, struggle with allowing yourself to feel angry and express it to others?

Let’s be really clear about one thing here.  Anger is a feeling.  That’s all it is.  Our judgments about anger being wrong or bad or negative or dangerous or scary are based on our past experience of anger (our own or other people’s) or what we were taught about anger growing up.

Some “facts” about feelings:

  • Feelings just are.  They aren’t good or bad, negative or positive.  They might, however, be desirable or undesirable.
  • If you’re breathing, you’re feeling.
  • Feelings are messages.  That’s it.  It’s your soul asking you to pay attention.  Something is going on and your spirit is saying:  “Wake up.  You need to notice this.”
  • Your thoughts create your feelings.  So if you’re not feeling very good take a look at what you’re thinking.  I can guarantee that you’re not thinking very good either.
  • Feelings are not a guide to action.  Meaning that feeling angry is not a license to act out.  There’s a huge difference between responding and reacting when you’re angry.

Anger is a feeling and you’re barking up the wrong tree if you try to control your feelings.  What you can control is your “stinking thinking”.  Your unruly, wildly imaginative, critical, negative, judgmental mind.  What the Buddhists call the monkey mind.

So what are the thoughts that ignite the smoldering or raging fires of anger?

Our rules.  About how people should behave and how things should be.  What everyone else should do in every situation from the trivial and mundane (how to squeeze the toothpaste tube, should the toilet seat be left up or down) to the profound and significant (whether to have children and how to raise them, how to express love).

The problem?  We’re not even aware that we have rules.  We just assume that it’s obvious how people should behave.  We also don’t allow other people to have rules and shoulds that are different than ours.  (And if they do, they’re wrong anyway.)  We just assume that our way is common knowledge because, of course, it’s right, appropriate, obvious, the “way”.

Generally, when you get angry, it’s because someone has violated one of your rules and hasn’t lived up to your expectations of what they should or shouldn’t have done.  And you believe that they should have known better because that’s what anyone of sound mind should have done in that situation.

Anytime you have a should, you have a rule.

Look at some of the times that you have gotten angry recently.  What were your shoulds, rules, expectations that someone didn’t live up to?

The next time someone is angry at you, ask yourself what their expectations were.  What should or rule of theirs did you violate?

Want less anger and more inner peace?  Stop imposing your rules on everyone else.  Who made you CEO of the Universe?  Everyone you know has different experiences, values and perceptions so their shoulds and rules are often different than yours.

Hear this:  Neither one of you is right or wrong.  Just different.  

(By the way, I’m not talking about things such as harming others and running red lights.  Some agreed-upon rules are laws because certain agreements are necessary for people to live together in a civilized society.)

Next newsletter we’ll talk about why anger is the forbidden emotion and how to deal with it in yourself and others.

In the meantime, one of the most powerful ways I have found to deal with any emotion is tapping or EFT.  Ten years ago I was really skeptical about EFT and thought it was a bunch of woo woo.  Then I decided to give it a try.  Tapping has produced powerful shifts for my clients and in my own life.

The Sixth Annual Tapping World Summit is taking place starting February 24th.  Here are two pre-event videos:

Wayne Dyer and how he dealt with his bitterness and rage towards his father: http://thetappingsolution.com/cmd.php?Clk=5208380

Dr. Lissa Rankin and why some of her supposedly “healthiest” clients (those who were exercising, eating well, meditating, etc) were getting sick, and the big “Aha!” moment she had about what was causing it all: http://thetappingsolution.com/cmd.php?Clk=5208374

I hope you take a few minutes to watch these videos.  Tune into the 10 day Tapping World Summit which begins on February 24th.  Your trust in me is everything so know that I only recommend things to you that I really believe in.  I recommend this event every year because I really believe in the power of tapping.  Let me know what you think.

This Is Your Game Piece

I recently returned from an amazing retreat led by the brilliant John Kehoe, the world’s foremost expert on the power of the mind and the subconscious.  John is the author of Mind Power (now called Mind Power Into the 21st Century), the #1 bestseller celebrating its 25th anniversary that sold over 2 million copies.

One of the things John talked about was that our body is our game piece.  Bottom line:  If your body isn’t healthy, it makes it more difficult to be in the game.

The problem is that most of us don’t pay much attention to our body until it protests in pain or breaks down in some way.

You know that the mind-body relationship is real and powerful.  Your mind (your thoughts, perceptions, beliefs and attitudes) have a profound effect on your body.

But, don’t forget that your body has a powerful effect on your mind.  Have you ever been cranky because you haven’t gotten enough sleep?  Impatient when you were hungry?  Has intense pain ever brought your life to a halt?  Have you ever felt more energetic, happier, calmer or thought more clearly after a good workout?

It really is simple.  Eat well.  Sleep enough.  Get your body moving.  Drink lots of water. Relax.  Ignore any one of these and your body will eventually speak up.  Ignore it for too long and your body might start yelling at you.  Are you listening?

Let’s take sleep.  We are among the most sleep-deprived people in the world.  It affects our mood, our relationships, our behavior at work, our alertness, our thinking, our health, our energy and our ability to deal well with everyday life.  So, if you’re tired, you just might want to take your exhaustion a little more seriously.  And then do something about it.

Just as we have to love ourselves first before we can truly love others, true listening starts within. Listening to what our game piece, our body, needs to keep us in the game.

Last week I said that you would be able to register for my upcoming Coaching In A Nutshell group coaching program this week.  I’m still working with my team to get all the nuts and bolts of my coaching program in place.  I’ll open up registration as soon as it’s ready so it will be a smooth and easy process for you.  I appreciate your patience.  I really want you to join me so that I can help you get to where you want to go in your life.  I’ll let you in on a few details of the program:

  • You Get TWO Live Group Coaching Calls with Me Each Month
  • Each Call is 90 Minutes
  • You Have the Opportunity to Ask Any and All Questions About Getting Unstuck, Finding Balance, Fulfilling Your Heart’s Desires, Goals and Visions, Dealing with Conflict AND…Get the Answers Specific to Your Situation
  • You Can Learn from Others in the Group As They Get Answers to Questions That May Not Have Occurred to You

There will be more including a bonus…

I recently left my part-time work as a family and couples therapist so I have some openings for private clients who would like to do more intensive one-on-one work with me.  I work in person and on the phone and on Skype.  If you would prefer to work with me privately, please contact me at Anne@CoachingInANutshell.com.

Your Life is A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

And there are two payoffs:  1) You live safely in your comfort zone.  And 2) You get to be right.

Your mind is so powerful that your beliefs usually become self-fulfilling prophecies  – your predictions about what will happen in your life.  How does that happen?

Your perceptions about people and life and your beliefs about what’s possible for you and what you deserve drive your behavior.  Your behavior creates certain outcomes in your life and responses from others.  Those outcomes and responses are often exactly what you believed would happen.

It’s really a very simple and straightforward equation:

You believe something → You take action on that belief → Your outcomes are a result of your actions → Your outcomes generally confirm your beliefs.

So you say, “I knew that would happen”.  That’s your self-fulfilling prophecy.  And when it happens again and again – that’s your life.

Here’s an example:  I have two clients, Ellen and Lorraine (not their real names).  Both of them are engineers and were recently let go when their companies downsized.

Ellen believes that it will be extremely difficult – if not impossible – to get a good job as an engineer because the economy is bad and people are struggling to find good jobs.  (This is her prophecy.)  So what does she do?  Ellen’s belief directly affects her behavior so she puts out little effort, isn’t persistent and doesn’t follow-up which leads to no job.  Her belief (that she won’t find a job) becomes a prophecy which she fulfills by her behavior (little effort, no follow-up or persistence).

Lorraine, on the other hand, looks around and sees that there are lots of people who are finding jobs, making money and enjoying their lives.  She believes that she will find a great job as an engineer doing the kind of work she loves.  Because of her belief that she will find a job (her prophecy), Lorraine is persistent and works really hard to find work as an engineer (her behavior).  And of course she is successful and finds a great job (her self-fulfilling prophecy).

I am not suggesting that we create everything in our lives by our beliefs.  That is up to you to decide.  I know that our subconscious is immensely powerful and that our beliefs (our prophecies) about how things will turn out are often correct.  But it’s not magic.  It’s how our beliefs and perceptions affect what we do in our lives and our relationships and the outcomes we get as a result.

What would you do differently if you believed differently and how might that change your results and your life?

Are you willing to try something?  Pick a situation in which you’re not happy with the results you have been getting.  What are your beliefs about that situation?  What action do you usually take?  What is the typical outcome?  Then ask yourself what would happen to your results if you changed your beliefs and then did something different?  Or, if you’re really brave, just do something different in spite of your beliefs.

Step outside of your comfort zone.  Change your belief (your prophecy).  Change your behavior. See what happens. Different beliefs→ different behavior→ different results???

Let me know……

Something new:  I love speaking with people who have great ideas about how to live an extraordinary life so I will be starting an ongoing interview series.  Twice a month I will interview interesting and inspiring people who are challenging us to live boldly and courageously.  Most of the interviews will be only 30 to 40 minutes so you can find time to listen in your busy life.

Our first interview, on Valentine’s Day, is with a Los Angeles Matchmaker who will talk about how to have more love in your life.  I’ll send you all the details next weekend about the live interview and the replay.

Talk to you next weekend.  I hope you’ll join me on this next leg of our journey together.