Are you ready to wake up and create the life that you want?

Author: Anne Pustil (Page 3 of 8)

Don’t Ever Do This!

Don’t ever give up on yourself or your dreams.  Ever.  Never.  Not for a moment.

No matter what anyone else says about you or your dreams.  That’s their stuff.

No matter how tired you are.  Take a break.  Take a nap.  Go for a walk.  Do something fun to stir your creative juices.

No matter how discouraged you feel.  That’s the scared little voice inside you afraid that you’ll never get it right.  Thank that little voice – it’s just trying to protect you and keep you safe.  And then get on with what you know you need to do.

Acknowledge your impatience.  Your frustration.  Your anxiety.  Your fear.  Your doubt.  Your lack of faith.

And hold your vision anyway.

Take another road.  Try something else.  Put it on the backburner for a while and let it simmer in your subconscious.

“When you have exhausted all possibilities, remember this: you haven’t.” Thomas Edison

I know that it’s tough at times to keep going in the face of little or no evidence that you’ll hit gold.



“Difficult things take a long time, impossible things a little longer.” Andre A. Jackson

Watch what determination and persistence can do (just over 2 minutes):

I’m committed to your happiness and your success.  If you’re feeling stuck, discouraged or confused about your next step, join my group coaching program starting this fall.  It will be twice a month for an hour and a half.  I’ll give you all the details in next week’s newsletter and you can sign up then.

Rock the Boat!

In the 1974 song “Rock the Boat” by the group Hues Corporation, someone in the background is singing “Don’t rock the boat, baby” and “Don’t tip the boat over”.  That voice in the background is like your inner critic telling you to be careful and not rock the boat.  It’s too dangerous.  Something bad might happen.  If you rock the boat, you’ll tip it over and wind up in the water.  It will be your fault.  People will get upset.  Who knows what the fallout will be.  It’s too scary.


“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” T.S. Eliot

The dictionary definition of “Rock the boat” is “to disturb a situation that is otherwise stable and satisfactory”.  In the report card of your life will you be happy with a satisfactory?  Or are you aiming for a life that is OUTSTANDING??? 

So, I will leave you with some questions:

  • How could you rock your boat?  And what would that mean to you?
  • What are you afraid might happen if you rock your boat?
  • When you’re 90 years old and sitting in your rocking chair will you regret not having rocked your boat?  (Rocking your chair won’t be the same thing, I guarantee it…)
  • Who wouldn’t like it if you rocked the boat?
  • What do you think about people who rock the boat?

“Men are afraid to rock the boat in which they hope to drift safely through life’s currents, when, actually, the boat is stuck on a sandbar. They would be better off to rock the boat and try to shake it loose, or, better still, jump in the water and swim for the shore.”   Thomas Szasz

Are you ready to rock your boat?  I have received many requests to offer a group coaching program, so I have cleared some time on my schedule beginning this fall.  Stay tuned for more details.

And now, for your listening pleasure and, for some of us, a trip down memory lane, is “Rock the Boat” by Hues Corporation:

If Life Is A Banquet…

“Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death.”  Rosalind Russell

Are you starving at the banquet table of your life?

What does “Life is a banquet” mean to you?  I think of a massive table stretching off into the horizon with endless possibilities…

Your life banquet – what does it look like?  Are you sitting in the same spot meal after meal/day after day or tasting from only one side of the table?  Are you eating the same meat and potatoes or tofu and beans or spaghetti and meatballs or peanut butter and jam again and again and wondering why you’re bored, frustrated, lonely or unhappy?

Or have you shaken things up lately?  Gotten out of your comfort zone and explored the smorgasbord at the rest of the table?

If not,


Feeling comfortable can feel so great.  In the moment.  It feels so safe.  No failure.  No anxiety.  No self-doubt.  No uncertainty.  No effort.  No criticism or judgment from you or anyone else.

But too much comfort and safety is boring and deadens the heart, mind and soul.

Ask yourself when you have felt the best in your life, the happiest, the most energetic and the most fulfilled.  I bet it was when you stretched yourself, stepped outside your comfort zone even though you might have felt a little fear (or a lot).  I’m right, aren’t I?

We let our excuses and fears become solid blocks to doing what our hearts and spirits yearn for instead of just doing it (thanks, Nike, for reminding us).  It’s too hot, cold, early, late, difficult, long, complex, scary, unknown… or I’m too young, old, overweight, skinny, uncoordinated, fast, slow, weak, imperfect… or not a good enough cook, artist, speaker, writer, teacher, parent, partner, coach, leader…

And then we wonder why our lives aren’t brilliant diamonds of joy and fulfillment.


This summer

Do one thing

A week

That scares the

H… out of you

Then pay attention to how you feel and what happens in your life.

“When was the last time you did something for the first time?”

–Bob Proctor

Don’t Let Anyone Push Your Buttons!


You’re having a heated discussion with someone close to you.  You’re upset by something they said.  Do you:

  1. Get defensive?
  2. Get even?
  3. Escalate things?

Those are common reactions when the heat is on and we’re engaged in conflict and wanting to be right, save face or win the argument.

But there is a 4th, more powerful option.  Do nothing.  In the heat of the moment when someone is trying to push your buttons, don’t say anything.  Let the ball drop.  Right at the feet of the person who is hurling rude, nasty, hurtful, unkind, untrue or disrespectful words at you.  And walk away.

That’s what I call the Echo Effect™.  (OK, it’s not really trademarked.  It just makes it look more official…)

The Echo Effect is not responding when someone says something that upsets you.  Not saying anything. Nada. Rien. Niente.

Instead you let their words echo in the space between you.  There’s enormous power in silence.  And they’re left with what they just said reverberating in their heads.  Instead of focusing on what you just said and responding to that.  And right then and there, the interaction will change.

In all the relationship work I do, whether it’s with couples, adult siblings, mothers and daughters or friends, I tell people that their best bet when the temperature starts to rise between them is to disengage.  Because nothing good ever happens (or is said) when conflict is escalating.

My incredibly wise Mother would tell me, when I was much younger and upset about something one of my siblings said or did, “You be smarter” – meaning “Don’t say anything.  Just walk away.”

We play a lot of verbal tennis in our relationships.  Someone says something and we (usually immediately) respond.  This goes back and forth a few times because we don’t want to let them have the last word or win the argument.  (What does it really mean to win or lose an argument anyway?)  So we lob something back at them and then they toss something back at us.  When does it stop?  When we realize that our inner two-year-olds are really running the show?

Have you ever walked away from one of those emotional tennis games and felt terrible because you had gotten so caught up in the ridiculous dynamic?  Or because in the heat of the moment you said something that you later regretted?

I worked with a woman, Sally, whose husband, Mark, constantly accused her of being interested in and involved with other men.  (Names have been changed.)  Sally tried everything from getting angry to defending herself to assuring him that she was only interested in him.

We talked about the Echo Effect and that Mark would continue his behavior as long as she gave him something to debate so he didn’t have to think about what he was saying. Sally decided to stop responding to his accusations.  After a while, Mark stopped accusing her.  He finally listened to what he was saying and realized how ridiculous it was.

The Echo Effect is not about playing games, controlling or manipulating anyone.  It’s about standing in your own power and not letting other people’s “stuff” control you.  It doesn’t mean you can’t respond if you choose to.  It’s about not reacting in the moment when the heat is on.

Don’t be fooled.  The Echo Effect is simple but it’s not always easy to not react when someone is pushing our buttons.

The next time someone says something that gets your blood boiling or hurts your feelings, heed my Mother’s wise counsel:  You be smarter.  Take a deep breath, don’t say a word, stand there (or walk away) and see what happens.  And let me know how it worked for you.  I bet you’ll feel pretty good about yourself.

The Top Two Problems in Your Relationships

Problem #1:  You are right and he/she (your husband, wife, mother, father, sister, brother, friend, teacher, student or anyone you are in relationship with) is wrong.

It sounds like this to others:

“I know what I’m talking about.”  “The way I see the world is the way it actually is.”

“However the way you see the world is impractical, absurd, ridiculous, idiotic, unreasonable, irrational, crazy and/or illogical.”

What other people hear is:

“My perspectives, beliefs and opinions are right and your perspectives, beliefs and opinions are wrong.  I am the holder of the truth.”

In other words, “I’m right.  You’re wrong.”

It feels like this:

“I’m going to shame you and make you feel stupid for seeing things the way you do.  How could anyone who is smart, confident, successful, a winner, empathic, good at what they do, a thinking person, a caring person, a good teacher, architect, mother, father, sister, brother, CEO, (fill in the blank) think the way you do or say something like that?

This is what they’re not telling you:

“When I was growing up I was criticized for things I said or did and that made me feel stupid, like a failure and ashamed.  On a subconscious level now I always have to be right so I can be sure that I won’t be criticized or feel stupid or that I have failed.  If you don’t agree with me, that means that one of us has to be wrong.  Because I always have to be right, I vote for you.  You must be wrong.  And I’m going to do to you what I hated being done to me, which is that I’m going to criticize you or put you down for being wrong and make you feel small.”

Others see the world through different eyes than you based on their experiences, history, family life, personality, values, intelligence (of which there are many kinds) and gender.

And those different eyes lead to different perceptions and perspectives about the world which lead to different beliefs about life, people and situations.  In many situations, there is not just one truth.  Our differences is what makes life exciting and fascinating.  And takes us out of our comfort zone.

I believe that there is another reason that we have to be right.  Our brain is programmed for survival.  To be wrong is to risk being dead.  Our brain cannot allow us to be wrong because it taps into our deepest fears of not being capable of surviving.  And that really scares us.

Most of us would rather be right than happy.  Right than loving.  Right than connected.  Right than kind (not to be confused with nice).

And when we make people wrong, what happens?  They get defensive.  Or shut down.  They share less and aren’t as willing to be vulnerable.  Who wants to get up close and personal with someone who criticizes us, puts us down and thinks we’re less than?  Over time, intimacy and connection are sacrificed at the altar of rightness (aka “the truth”).

I don’t believe that most of us consciously or maliciously try to make other people wrong.  And that’s the problem.  We do it subconsciously so it’s critical to wake up and become aware of how we treat others.  Only then can we choose to change it.

Clients are always telling me that they want to improve their communication with the important people in their lives.  Start here.   It’s not about either-or.  Either I’m right or you’re right.  It’s about both-and.  Both you and I have a perspective and a) in most circumstances both are likely valid and b) does it really matter who is right?

When people tell me that they want to learn to communicate better, I often think that what they mean is that they want to become better at persuading others of the truth of their perspective.  What I suggest is that they become better at listening.  Remember we were given two ears but only one mouth…

The next time you disagree with someone about something, what would it be like to really listen to their perspective and think about the issue from their point of view?  To not make them wrong?  Even if you think that their perspective or opinion is ridiculous or silly or unbelievable or childish?  What would it be like to discuss it or just say something like “I see it differently” instead of “No, this is the way it is”?

What is coming up for you now when I make these suggestions?  Whatever it is will give you more information about what pushes your need to be right.  Follow those clues.

What would happen if you risked real communication, more intimacy and connection?  Spend the next couple of weeks becoming aware of how often you need to be right.  Then ask yourself what you really want in your relationships.  Being right or truly connecting? You just might be in for a surprise.

Problem #2?  We’ll talk about that next time.  (C’mon, you didn’t expect me to share it all with you right now, did you?  Don’t you have your hands full just becoming aware of when, how and with whom your need to be right rears its self-right-eous head?)

Your Life is A Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

And there are two payoffs:  1) You live safely in your comfort zone.  And 2) You get to be right.

Your mind is so powerful that your beliefs usually become self-fulfilling prophecies  – your predictions about what will happen in your life.  How does that happen?

Your perceptions about people and life and your beliefs about what’s possible for you and what you deserve drive your behavior.  Your behavior creates certain outcomes in your life and responses from others.  Those outcomes and responses are often exactly what you believed would happen.

It’s really a very simple and straightforward equation:

You believe something → You take action on that belief → Your outcomes are a result of your actions → Your outcomes generally confirm your beliefs.

So you say, “I knew that would happen”.  That’s your self-fulfilling prophecy.  And when it happens again and again – that’s your life.

Here’s an example:  I have two clients, Ellen and Lorraine (not their real names).  Both of them are engineers and were recently let go when their companies downsized.

Ellen believes that it will be extremely difficult – if not impossible – to get a good job as an engineer because the economy is bad and people are struggling to find good jobs.  (This is her prophecy.)  So what does she do?  Ellen’s belief directly affects her behavior so she puts out little effort, isn’t persistent and doesn’t follow-up which leads to no job.  Her belief (that she won’t find a job) becomes a prophecy which she fulfills by her behavior (little effort, no follow-up or persistence).

Lorraine, on the other hand, looks around and sees that there are lots of people who are finding jobs, making money and enjoying their lives.  She believes that she will find a great job as an engineer doing the kind of work she loves.  Because of her belief that she will find a job (her prophecy), Lorraine is persistent and works really hard to find work as an engineer (her behavior).  And of course she is successful and finds a great job (her self-fulfilling prophecy).

I am not suggesting that we create everything in our lives by our beliefs.  That is up to you to decide.  I know that our subconscious is immensely powerful and that our beliefs (our prophecies) about how things will turn out are often correct.  But it’s not magic.  It’s how our beliefs and perceptions affect what we do in our lives and our relationships and the outcomes we get as a result.

What would you do differently if you believed differently and how might that change your results and your life?

Are you willing to try something?  Pick a situation in which you’re not happy with the results you have been getting.  What are your beliefs about that situation?  What action do you usually take?  What is the typical outcome?  Then ask yourself what would happen to your results if you changed your beliefs and then did something different?  Or, if you’re really brave, just do something different in spite of your beliefs.

Step outside of your comfort zone.  Change your belief (your prophecy).  Change your behavior. See what happens. Different beliefs→ different behavior→ different results???

Let me know……

Something new:  I love speaking with people who have great ideas about how to live an extraordinary life so I will be starting an ongoing interview series.  Twice a month I will interview interesting and inspiring people who are challenging us to live boldly and courageously.  Most of the interviews will be only 30 to 40 minutes so you can find time to listen in your busy life.

Our first interview, on Valentine’s Day, is with a Los Angeles Matchmaker who will talk about how to have more love in your life.  I’ll send you all the details next weekend about the live interview and the replay.

Talk to you next weekend.  I hope you’ll join me on this next leg of our journey together.

Get Out Of There Before You Suffocate

Your comfort zone.

It will choke the life out of you.  But your fearful mind will feel better if you stay in your comfort zone because you’ll be safe.  Maybe not happy or fulfilled or excited about your life or contributing or involved.  Safe and comfortable, which is all your fearful mind cares about.  Because its first concern is your survival.  Not your happiness, your joy or whether your life is meaningful.

But your soul, your life force, your inner spirit – whatever you want to call that inner flame that feeds on love, purpose, growth, passion and joy – gets most of its fuel outside of your comfort zone.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”  Neale Donald Walsch

We are at the dawn of a new year.  Start from here.  Wherever you are.  And walk boldly towards possibility and opportunity.

Do you know why we so desperately hang onto safety?  Why we’re afraid to venture outside our comfort zone?  We’re afraid that we won’t be able to handle whatever comes our way.  And that we might fail.

So we cling to safety.  And shrivel up inside.

“… and the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  Anais Nin

I am declaring 2013 the year of sailing outside of our comfort zones.  Not forcing or pushing or struggling or slogging or striving or fighting.  Those are painful and create inner resistance.

Sailing.  Get ready for some rough waters, big tides and strong winds where you’ll learn how to navigate this journey of your life to the destinations of your dreams.  And, as any experienced sailor knows, get ready, too, for those magic days of calm waters, sunny skies and perfect, warm winds where everything just flows.

Can you imagine what your life will be like if you get out of your comfort zone again and again in 2013?  As I ask my clients (and myself), are you willing to try something new and see it as an experiment without judging or needing to be guaranteed of the outcome?

Have a wonderful New Year filled with love, joy, excellent health and the courage to sail outside your comfort zone.  As always, THANK YOU for taking the time to read this newsletter and for sharing your comments and your experiences with me.

I look forward to offering you more opportunities and getting to know you better in 2013.  Let’s navigate these uncharted waters together.

These Are Your Compass

If you’re jealous of your friend’s new home, if you’re angry with your boss because you were passed over for a promotion, if you’re sad because your dog died, if you’re lonely because you don’t have someone to share your life with – even though it might not feel good, it’s OK.

There’s so much talk about being authentic.  Start by being authentic with yourself first.

Hate it, love it, guilty about it, afraid of it, mad at it, ashamed of it, want it, envious of it, sad about it, happy about it, enraged by it, couldn’t care less about it.  They’re all feelings, messages about your life telling you “This –  yes.”  “That – no.”

Your feelings are your internal compass giving you mountains of information about how you’re affected by the people, places and events of your world.  What matters to you.  And what you value.  But you have to be willing to hear them.

We judge our tough feelings because they’re painful and we don’t know what to do with them.  Don’t do anything with them.  Don’t dwell on them.  Don’t get rid of them.  Don’t get lost in them.  Don’t make a project of them.  Just feel them.

If you stop judging your feelings and allow yourself to just feel them, your world will shift from beige to a kaleidoscope of colors, shapes, textures, sounds, smells and tastes.  Your feelings add depth and breadth to your world.

Don’t banish your Negative Nelly, Moody Michael, Unhappy Ursula, Anxious Amy or Jealous John.  Just listen to what they’re trying to tell you.  If you listen carefully, your feelings have really important messages for you.  But you can only get the message if you listen up and stop judging your feelings as acceptable or awful, good or terrible, happy or negative.

Can I tell you a secret?  Come closer.  I don’t want anyone else to hear.  If you actually feel your feelings, they shift and change.  Remember – what we resist persists.  Nothing ever really stays the same.  Unless we keep it hidden away from our awareness and experience.

So don’t listen to the naysayers, the pseudo-advice givers who tell you to always “Put on a happy” or “Get rid of your negative feelings”.  They’re confusing feeling your feelings with acting them out or dwelling on them.

We’re afraid of our negative feelings because we haven’t been taught how to deal with them skillfully.  So we ignore, repress, push away, eat up, project onto other people, pretend we’re fine, get sick, mess up our relationships and do crazy things so we don’t have to feel our pain.  Even though it’s our truth in the present moment.

So start with awareness.  “I’m feeling something.”  That tightness in your throat, the throbbing in your head, that sinking feeling in your stomach, that clenching in your jaws or hands, the urge to inhale an entire container of Ben and Jerry’s – those are all signs to pay attention.

Then allow the feeling and really feel it.  Accept it.  Identify it if you can.  Acknowledge what it’s about.  Have compassion for yourself.  Then hear the message your feeling is speaking.

Notice that compassion comes before knowing what the message is.  If, instead of compassion, you move into judgment of yourself because you believe that your anger is petty, your jealousy isn’t spiritual or your impatience isn’t virtuous, you lose the opportunity for more self-understanding and growth.

And keep your monkey mind out of it.  How often do we think that we’re feeling something when what’s really happening is that our mind has taken over and hijacked our feeling with its relentless commentaries and judgments?

If you experience all of your feelings, both the good ones that we all want to feel and the ones that aren’t so welcome, your life will be richer and your relationships deeper and more intimate, including your relationship with yourself.

If you do nothing else this week but identify your feelings and allow yourself to actually feel them, you’re on your way to freedom.  Congratulations.

Oh and one more thing – remember that feeling and reacting are two different things.

Here are links to two wonderful videos.  See what feelings come up for you … Eric Whitacre TED Talks and

Eric Whitacre’s Virtual Choir Performing “Sleep”

(With thanks to my brilliant and creative friend, Charlene Brisson, the 3-Step Marketing wizard for always finding the best TED videos and sharing them with me.)

Stop It!


Stop this: 

Criticizing yourself

Judging yourself

Not sleeping enough

Not treating yourself

Not treating yourself well

Not eating well

Not taking care of your body

Looking after everyone else first

Not taking your desires and dreams seriously

Not having goals

Not taking steps towards your goals

Not living the life of your dreams

Not having any dreams

Not having a vision so big that your heart races and your palms sweat every time you think about it

Believing that you don’t deserve it (whatever “it” is for you)

Believing that you can’t have it (Ditto)

Believing that you’re not worthy or deserving

Believing that you’re not capable

Worrying about what everyone else thinks

Being a couch potato

Exercising too much

Exercising too little

Comparing yourself to others

Not believing in yourself

Believing all the lies you were told about yourself

Being mean to yourself

Regretting anything – you saw it differently back then

Not having any fun

Putting your life off until you lose weight, stop being anxious, get out of debt, fall in love, figure things out… (Fill in the blank)

Missing sunsets

Missing sunrises

Thinking that you have to… (Fill in the blank)

Thinking that you should… (Ditto)

Not thinking about what you really, really, really want

Not taking seriously what you really, really, really want

Choosing comfort, safety and security over challenge, fear and growth

Not doing things on your bucket list

Not having a bucket list

Taking other people’s crap

Giving other people your crap

Thinking that you have to be perfect

Waiting to be perfect

Striving to be perfect

Pretending that you’re not in pain

Not doing anything about your pain

Drowning your pain in your addiction

Needing to be right anytime but especially with the people you love

And do this instead:

Ask yourself what you really, really, really want and do something about it

Create a long bucket list


Love and respect yourself even if it feels weird, strange and uncomfortable

Believe in yourself

Eat chocolate


Do yoga


Really listen to how you talk to yourself

Show yourself some compassion

Save the whales, the environment, kids in crisis or whatever speaks to your heart

Get out there and show the world what you’ve got before it’s perfect


Be grateful

Anything that makes your heart sing

Here’s a short (6 minute) video. I realize that it’s not always as easy as Bob Newhart makes it out to be.  But sometimes it is. And hopefully it will make you laugh.

Click here to link to YouTube.

This ALWAYS Sabotages Your Success

Your subconscious.

It doesn’t matter how strong your intentions are.  How powerful your affirmations are.  How much willpower you have.

Your subconscious usually has the final word in what you do.  It’s a powerful force that operates underground, hidden from your awareness.

Your subconscious is the cause of your limiting beliefs and your negativity, confusion, inner conflict, procrastination and lack of action.  It’s what keeps you stuck and sabotages you.

Have you experienced this?  You have a goal.  You work hard, doing what you need to do. You get close to the finish line and – WHAM!  For some inexplicable reason, you do (or don’t do) something that derails your success. You see the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow quickly recede in the distance as you’re left wondering what happened.

What happened is that your subconscious just sabotaged you.  Sucker punched you just as you had your eyes on the prize.

According to Bruce Lipton, who wrote The Biology of Belief, our subconscious programming is responsible for 80 to 90 percent of our behavior every day.  Where did this programming come from?  You were taught or had it modeled for you by your parents, family, teachers and culture based on their values, beliefs and behaviors and their subconscious programming.  The problem is that we absorbed all of this before the age of 6.  Before we had the capacity to think for ourselves and decide whether we wanted to take on their values, beliefs and behaviors.

Think about it.  There are times when a 6-year old is running your life without your consent.  How’s that for informed, conscious decision-making?

Until we become aware of what our subconscious is telling us, those voices from the past will stop us cold when we’re doing something new, thinking about taking a risk, stepping outside our comfort zone or going after something we want.

I worked with a client, let’s call her Sandra, who wanted to be in a loving relationship.  She spent a lot of time and money going to singles’ events, she joined an online dating site, did affirmations and visualizations but she wasn’t meeting the man she wanted to share her life with.  Sandra was frustrated because she was able to create success in so many other areas of her life but this one.  I worked with Sandra to become aware of and to clear the subconscious beliefs that were keeping her stuck.  Her subconscious was telling her that she would never find a partner or be in a loving relationship.  Once we identified and cleared the beliefs that were sabotaging her, Sandra changed her attitudes and behavior and she is now in a wonderful relationship.

Are you feeling stuck?  Struggling?  Like you keep hitting a wall?  Those are the signs that your subconscious voice is clamoring for your attention.  Listen up and then do the work that will align your voice with your desires, dreams and goals.

Meditation is one of the best tools for becoming aware of your sabotaging subconscious voice.  When I meditate regularly, even for just a few minutes a day, I find that I’m calmer and I can hear the inner voice of dissent without letting it run my behavior.

Are you curious about meditation?

Have you struggled with finding a consistent meditation practice?

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This free online event—called the Meditationfest—gives you an unprecedented opportunity to experience a series of relaxing meditations. All professionally recorded and produced to the highest standards, perfect for whether you are just beginning meditation or deep in a practice.

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