Author: Anne Pustil (Page 4 of 8)

Failure is not an option.

There are at least two ways to interpret that statement:

1)      Failure is NOT an option.  Meaning failure isn’t acceptable

2)      Failure is not an OPTION.  Meaning failure is guaranteed

Let’s back up a bit here and define “failure”.  One definition of failure is “the condition or fact of not achieving the desired end or ends”.  In other words, not attaining a goal or outcome that you want.

What makes failure an issue for so many of us is what happens to us when we fail.  We make it about who we are instead of what we have done.  We tell ourselves that WE are a failure.  No good.  A loser.  So we feel shame.  For not doing better.  For not knowing better.  Or we get angry with ourselves for not being successful.  We hear the voices of so many people in our past (or present) saying:  “I told you so.  What were you thinking?  Why did you do that?  You should have known better.”

What if failing at something was the springboard for learning and personal growth instead of the crucible of shame and humiliation?  What if we were taught that failure is an EXPECTED step on the potholed road to success?

If you believe that failure isn’t acceptable and is avoidable, then find someone who has achieved success and ask them if they have ever failed.  After they pick themselves up off the floor from laughing so hard, ask them to tell you about their failure.

If Yoda had been teaching Luke Skywalker about failure, maybe he would have said, “Learn and grow or stagnate.  There is no failure.”  Generally the more spectacular the success, the more outstanding the failure(s) that preceded it.

I believe that the meaning of “Failure is not an OPTION” is that, if you’re in the game and living your life, then failure isn’t an “if” it’s a “when”.  It’s guaranteed that, if you’re on the road to success, no matter how much you plan or prepare, at some point you’ll miss your mark.

In one of my newsletters last year entitled “Ready, Fire, Aim” (Link here), I talked about how there are no straight lines to success.  The detours on the road to success?  We usually consider those to be our failures.

Here are some stats for you from the lineup of some very successful people you might know:

Henry Ford’s first five businesses failed before he launched the Ford Motor Company.

Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor who said that “he lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”  (Hmmm…)  Please delete:  Disney also started several businesses that eventually went bankrupt.

After Fred Astaire’s first screen test, he was told by the testing director at MGM “Can’t act. Can’t sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.”  (Hmmm…)

Steven Spielberg was rejected from the University of Southern California School of Theater, Film and Television THREE times.  (What if he had given up at that point?)

Before the Beatles became well-known, a recording company said, “We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out”.  (Now that’s funny.)

Did you know that Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team?  He has said, “I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”  (Reread those last two sentences again and really digest them.)

J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books, was a single mother on welfare when she decided to take the plunge and write the stories she loved.   Many years later and after the great success of the Harry Potter series, Rowling gave the commencement address to the graduating class at Harvard University in 2008 entitled “The Fringe Benefits of Failure, and the Importance of Imagination”.

Here is a quote on failure from Rowling’s speech:

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

Click this link to Rowling’s commencement address if you’d like to hear it:  Harvard Magazine.  It’s funny and inspirational.

Thanks to many readers who inspired this newsletter with their questions and comments about fear of failure.  Here are two:  From Ted M. in Sydney, Australia:  “I feel stuck and unable to move forward in so many areas of my life.  I’m worried that, if I try something, I might fail.”  From Donna S. in Houston, Texas:  “I failed at a previous business endeavor and now have an opportunity to be involved in another project.  I have done my due diligence but I can’t seem to make a decision.”

If there’s something I can help you with, click this link (https://coachinginanutshell.com/askanne.html) to submit a question.

When studies are done with people who are approaching the end of their lives asking about their biggest regrets, what they say most often is that there were things that they had always wanted to do but never did.

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”  That is the number one regret in the book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying written by Bronnie Ware.  Bronnie worked for many years with people who were terminally ill. She realized that there were five regrets that were common to those who were dying.

The top regret was always about a dream they had, something that was important to them, but that they kept hidden in the recesses of their soul, never letting it see the light of day.  They didn’t follow their dream and marry the person they really loved or write the book, open the boutique, hike the Grand Canyon, go back to school, learn how to fly or…

They didn’t do what they wanted to do. And now that they were dying, it was too late.

What dream are you letting slip by?  What deep yearning is living in your soul that is screaming – or even just whispering – to be expressed?  Do you have the courage to listen to it and give it a voice? Understanding that you can’t know the outcome but that with faith and courage you can live your passion and truth?

Question: What is holding you back?

We’ll talk about that in my next newsletter.

Talk about living your dreams.  Here’s a ten-year old boy who could teach all of us.  (Ten minutes and worth every second.) Click here to watch.

Thank you to everyone who submitted a question for my Ask Anne feature!  If there’s something I can help you with, click this link (https://coachinginanutshell.com/askanne.html) and submit a question.

Today’s newsletter was in response to questions from several readers who are struggling with listening to their inner voice or listening to others who are telling them to be “realistic” or “reasonable”.

In my last newsletter, I promised to talk about how you can truly feel good about yourself.

Here is one of the best pieces of advice I can give you:

STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM YOURSELF.

That’s it.  (Yes, it’s that important that it’s in big, bold red capitals.)

If you can stop running away from who you really are and from the reality of your life – your reality in this moment – and start from where you are right now, you will be more powerful in your life.  You can only move forward from what’s true for you in this moment. When you deny your reality, you disempower yourself.

How do we run away from ourselves?

Oh, yes, I say “we”.  I spent years running away from myself without realizing that that was what I was doing.  My big clue should have been that things just weren’t working out in my life.  No matter what I did, I always felt that I was struggling.  Struggling to make things happen, struggling to create the life I wanted.  Can you relate?

Like me, you might not be aware that you’re running away from yourself. So how can you tell? What are the signs?  Being unhappy.  Not liking yourself.  Not being able to relax and be comfortable in your own skin.  Comparing yourself to others and always coming out on the short end of the stick.

How you run away from yourself:  Overeating, drinking too much, spending too much, worrying too much about other people’s opinions, exercising too much, watching too much television, spending too much time playing video games or on Facebook or overworking while your bigger priorities are on hold.

Notice the pattern here?  Too much.  Doing something too much/too often and ignoring the rest of your life.

Running away from yourself is all about distracting yourself.  So you don’t have to feel your pain. But you have to feel your pain if you’re going to save your life.

How can you feel good about yourself when you’re running away from yourself?  It takes courage, sweat and energy to stop running and be present for your actual life.  And a huge dose of self-compassion.  Don’t be mistaken – self-compassion is not for the faint of heart.

Do you rush ahead to try to change things because it’s too uncomfortable to just be present?  It’s scary to acknowledge and feel our pain.  Why?  Because we judge ourselves for it.  Instead of seeing our pain or anger or frustration as a message and listening to the wisdom that’s here for us in the present, we tell ourselves that we’re bad or wrong or a loser because we’re suffering.

We often don’t know what to do to get out of our pain to have the life that we dream about – a life of joy, meaning and connection.  That is why I do the work I do.  I am committed to working with my clients to free themselves of whatever is blocking them from living their dream life.  Whatever that means for them.

So stop running away from yourself and face your reality. Start from where you are if you want to create a more magnificent life for yourself. It’s OK. There’s no rush. Your only job is to be the BEST YOU you can be. The world is waiting.

NEW FEATURE: I will be adding a new section to my newsletter: ASK ANNE. Each newsletter I’ll be choosing a question to answer from one of my readers about what’s blocking you from creating the life and relationships you want. (You will always be anonymous.) So send in any questions you have using this link (https://coachinginanutshell.com/askanne.html) and I will respond to as many as possible in upcoming newsletters.

Why do we need other people’s approval?  Because on some level we have abandoned our self.  If we don’t feel good about ourselves we look to others to tell us that we’re lovable, wonderful, worthwhile, sexy, smart and generally OK.  There are a couple of problems with this:  

1. Sometimes the people we desperately want to approve of us don’t feel great about themselves.  We’re asking them to give us what they can’t give themselves.  How much sense does that make?  
2. We often look outside ourselves to assess how we’re doing.  This leaves us without an inner compass to guide us on our journey which makes us really anxious.  
3. Other people are fickle.  They love you today and complain about you tomorrow.  And that doesn’t have much to do with you.    
4. The hunger for approval is endless.  It can never be satiated.  That’s how you know that approval is not what you really need.  If you can’t stop eating the brownies, it’s not about your love of chocolate.  
5. There’s no such thing as purely objective feedback.  Other people’s feedback is based on their perceptions of you which are colored by their experiences, moods, feelings, history, health, needs, etc. (See Number 3.)  

Why don’t we approve of ourselves? Because we allow our inner critic to have the last word about who we “really” are.  We unquestioningly believe that small, loud, persistent and bullying voice inside our heads.   

I bet that if I asked you to make a list of the things you don’t like about yourself, you could come up with a long list in about 10 seconds.  What if I asked you to write down 10 things you like about yourself?  Or 10 things you have done well? 

I challenge you:   

To make a list of 10 things you like about yourself.  Really.  This is going to take a lot of courage and soul-searching.  Write them down.  That will help to make them real for you.  Commit to them. No less than 10 but you can do more.     

For the really brave, write down 10 things that you have succeeded at or done well.  Wondering if something counts as an accomplishment?  Write it down anyway.  Trust yourself.  Your perspective.  Don’t ask anyone else.  

Then stand back and watch your inner critic go crazy.  Argue with you.  Put you down.  Doubt you.  Judge you.  Minimize your accomplishments. 

Now do you understand why you turn to other people to be the barometers of how you’re doing in your life?  To assure you that you’re acceptable and good enough? 

The question is: When will you stop letting your critical mind or other people run your life?        

This issue of not feeling good about ourselves and wanting other people’s approval does not discriminate.  It comes up again and again in the work I do with my clients no matter who they are or what they have achieved. I have worked with CEOs of corporations, lawyers, teachers, doctors and many others who doubted themselves and depended on other people’s approval to feel good about themselves. I have dealt with the demon of wanting other people’s approval in my own life as well.   

One of the things that’s fundamental in determining how happy we are in our lives is how we feel about ourselves.   

In my next newsletter I’ll talk about how you can truly feel good about yourself.  Your life depends on it. 

Mark your calendars for Wednesday, February 29th at 10 AM Pacific, 1 PM Eastern. (Click here to find the time in your region.)  We’re going to celebrate this leap year with a call that will help you stop struggling and blast your blocks to manifesting what you really want in your life. Click here to register and we’ll send you the call-in information. If you can’t make the call, register anyway and we’ll be happy to send you the recording. Send me your questions so that I can address the issues you’re struggling with: [email protected]. 

I’d love it if you’d go to my Facebook Fan page (click here) and declare one thing you really like about yourself. I already got the ball rolling.

Happy New Year 2012! What are you committed to creating in your life this year? What results do you want to have by the end of 2012 so that you can look back on this year with feelings of joy and fulfillment instead of regret?

REGRET.

What regrets have you been carrying around with you? What are you beating yourself up about that you “should have” said or done differently?

Your regrets have important information for you. About what you want and how you would like your life to be.

But most people use their regrets to beat up on themselves. Do you? 

Do you tell yourself that you could have been happy, loved, effective, wonderful, insightful, smart, beautiful, successful, wealthy, healthy or _______ (fill in the blank) if you had only done or said something differently?

Of course the implication is that YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. Back then. If you can see it now and know it now, then you should have seen it then and known it then. That’s the overbearing unruly voice of regret. “If only I had…” “I should have known better.” “I should have done it differently.” “I shouldn’t have done/said that.”

Listen up: Your scared, critical inner gremlin LOVES regret. Regret is the ultimate tactic in your inner critic’s arsenal. Why? Because your inner critic knows that regret is a LIE. But you don’t. I’ll say that again: 

REGRET IS A LIE

Your critic knows that when you regret, you’re looking at your past decisions and behavior with the eyes and perceptions that you have now. Your perceptions and understanding of the situation were different back then. As a result of what you have experienced and learned since that time you are a heck of a lot wiser and you see things differently. And because you are wiser and see things differently, if you encountered that same situation now, you would deal with it differently.

So when you regret, you are seeing something with the perception and understanding that you have now. But you didn’t have that perception and understanding then.

Regret is like driving your car while looking in the rearview mirror. You keep looking behind you to see what you have missed. But guess what you’re really missing? The possibilities and opportunities of the road you’re traveling on and the road ahead. And, if you keep looking in the rearview mirror, pretty soon you’ll crash.

The gift of regret is to ask yourself, “What did I learn from this situation so that I can walk this path with more presence, purpose and joy?”

So cast your regrets aside and put your energy and passion into something that matters to you now. Into creating a life that makes your heart sing and drives you to leap out of bed every morning to greet the day filled with possibility. 

“All The Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
Layin’ In The Sun,
Talkin’ ‘Bout The Things
They Woulda-Coulda-Shoulda Done…
But All Those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas
All Ran Away And Hid
From One Little Did.”

— Shel Silverstein, Cartoonist and Author (1930-1999)

If you don’t know what will make your heart sing or if you are having trouble leaping past the barriers that are holding you back, let’s talk.

Will this be the year that you create the life that you want? Have you been able to do it by yourself yet? Are you ready to invest in yourself?

I have created some packages to work with a limited number of people. These packages are about working one on one with me. Not anyone I have trained. Me. One package is nineteen hours of working with me over six months to get the results that you want.

This is a special offer only for you as a member of the Coaching In A Nutshell community. (Actually my own coach is pleading with me to charge almost twice as much because there is so much personal attention from me. This is not hype. And, yes, I have my own coach to challenge, push and prod me to take my life to where I want it to be. If I could have done it alone, I would have done it a long time ago. I don’t want to look back on 2012 and think “if only…”)

Please email me at [email protected] to talk about how we can work together and which package is right for you. 

Here’s a gift for you: I interviewed Debi Berndt (www.attractlovecoach.com), who is an internationally recognized Mindset Expert and has helped thousands of single women in their quest to attract true love with the power of hypnosis (including herself). She is a Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist and Love Coach and Author of Let Love In: Open Your Heart and Mind to Attract Your Ideal Partner (Wiley).

This interview isn’t just about finding love. It’s about how your powerful mind can help you create your life. 

Listen to the interview here:

I know how busy you are at this time of year, so this newsletter will be brief. I am so grateful to you for taking the time out of your busy life to read this newsletter. 

Have a joyous and safe holiday season. I look forward to working and playing with you to make 2012 your healthiest, happiest and most prosperous year yet — the year in which you play full out and leave your comfort zone behind.

Here is a wonderful TEDx video on gratitude. It’s less than ten minutes long and worth every minute. 

Click here to view the video.

Anne Pustil, MEd, CCC,
President, Coaching In A Nutshell
Certified Therapist and Relationship Coach
http://www.CoachingInANutshell.com
[email protected]

Did you notice that the subject line was not the usual “Ready, Aim, Fire”? Do you know what the problem is with the expression “Ready, Aim, Fire”? Most of us spend far too much time at either ‘Ready’ or ‘Aim’ before we actually ‘Fire’ and get into the actions that will move us closer to our goals. 

Why? We think we have more research to do or we have to get it perfect or we don’t think we’re ready or we’re afraid that we have forgotten something or we’re not sure that we know what we’re doing or what if someone doesn’t like it or what if we make a mistake or what if we look stupid or what if we’re wrong or …

What’s your “what if …”?

Well, I made a promise to push myself to move beyond Ready and Aim because I know them oh so well. Actually I have been known to do Ready, Aim, Ready Aim, Aim, Aim, Fire, Ready, Aim, Ready, Aim, Ready, Ready, Fire, Ready, Aim, Ready, Aim … You get my drift. Sometimes just not getting into action often enough. Can you relate?

“Ready, FIRE, Aim” means taking action, looking at the outcomes of your actions and learning from them, then making whatever changes you want to make because of what you learned. Continue to take action and use what you have learned to correct your course.

Did you know that the space shuttles were off-course as much as 90 percent of the time? They made constant, ongoing changes to their course to get to their final destination.

There are no straight lines to success.

I’m moving into firing more often without any guarantee that things will work out exactly as I had planned. When I don’t get the result I want, I try to avoid judging myself and instead, find the learning and fire again based on what I discovered.

Would you like an example? After I sent out last week’s newsletter (I fired), a friend suggested that some of you might not know what tapping is (effects of my actions). Of course. Then a few days later, I received a note from a reader that said simply, “What’s tapping?” (more effects) so I corrected my course (I aimed again) and I have included a brief explanation this week for anyone not familiar with tapping (I fired again).

I have also fine-tuned the tapping sequence on overwhelm.

This week’s newsletter is therefore a tribute to imperfect action, to learning from our actions and to changing our course as a result and then more imperfect action. Because truly, until you get into action, it’s all theory.

Would you be willing to make a resolution that 2012 will be your year to “FIRE” even if you don’t believe that you are ready or that your aim is perfect? Would you be willing to learn from your outcomes? It’s really all just information helping you correct your course so you can reach your goals. And getting into action is a critical piece of clarifying what to do next.

As Martin Luther King, Jr. so eloquently said: “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” In other words, FIRE! 

As an added bonus for you, I interviewed Monique MacDonald on how the Sacred Gifts have a powerful impact at the holidays. Monique was one of the most popular speakers in my teleseminar series last year and her work about your Sacred Gifts is wonderful. She will show you how you can use your unique gifts to make your holidays shine.

Monique suggests that you read the introduction to Sacred Gifts (below) before listening to our interview to learn what the Sacred Gifts are.

Here is the Introduction to Sacred Gifts: click here for MSWord or click here for PDF

Here is my interview with Monique: click here to listen to the interview.

If you’re interested in learning more about how you can discover your Sacred Gifts with Monique, click here.

For those of you who are new to the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), also called Tapping, here’s a brief explanation:

Our energy runs through meridians in our bodies. When the flow of energy in these meridians is blocked, illness and emotional problems can result. Acupuncture uses needles in specific points to free up the energy in the meridians which, in turn, allows the body to heal and negative emotions to be released.

EFT uses tapping, instead of needles, on certain of the energy meridian points to release negative emotions and increase positive feelings, health and energy. By focusing on a problem and then tapping on particular points on the face and body while repeating a phrase that is specific to the problem, negative feelings associated with the issue can be released. 

Here is the expanded Tapping sequence on overwhelm:

Anne Pustil, MEd, CCC,
President, Coaching In A Nutshell
Certified Therapist and Relationship Coach
http://www.CoachingInANutshell.com
[email protected]

Are you overwhelmed? Many people feel overwhelmed and don’t like this time of year because they have too much to do. Well, I think there’s more to it than a supersized to-do list.

I believe that there are five causes for your overwhelm:

1. you just have too much to do
2. you’re doing things because you think you should
3. you’re doing things because you think it will please someone else
4. you’re afraid that you won’t get it all done
5. you aren’t taking any time for you

Today, I’m going to focus on No. 5 – not making time for yourself.

At all times, but especially when things are stressful, you have to take some time for yourself and do the things that rejuvenate your soul and spirit. You must. Even your heart rests between beats.

The airplane metaphor for life: Put your own oxygen mask on first. How can you give to anyone else if your well is dry? Do you know what fills you and brings you joy?

Overwhelm is not a function of having a big to do list. Your overwhelm is your spirit begging to be heard, to be fed with what is meaningful to you. It’s your soul shouting at you “STOP! Pay attention to me and to your life. We matter.”

Could you actually leave the dishes undone for one night (I can hear the gasps of horror …) or let someone else do an imperfect job of the vacuuming (now people are fainting …) so that you could spend some time doing something for you? Something that would allow you to stop rushing ahead (to who knows where), to be calm, to connect with yourself, to treat yourself …

A leisurely bath, a long walk and talk with someone important to you, sitting and watching a sunset, taking a class, jumping out of an airplane, indulging in something just because. Whatever would fill your cup. Not just cramming your days with the obligations and responsibilities that consume so much of our lives.

When you look back on this time what will be important and cherished for you? Having a perfectly clean house or being present with the people you love? Feeling guilty about that piece of pie you ate or doing what makes your heart and soul sing a chorus so loudly that people turn and stare when you walk down the street?

This is it. This moment. Now this moment. Now this moment. These are some of the precious gifts that the universe has bestowed upon you. These moments, your spirit, your life and everyone and everything else that matters to you.

So add to the too-long list of things that you have to do this holiday season:

• Feed my soul
• Be present with the people I love

And, No. 4 – Your fear that you won’t get it all done? Guess what? Don’t be afraid. You’re right. You won’t get it all done. Ever. Whenever I tell my clients that they won’t ever get it all done, they laugh. And breathe a sigh of relief. It’s as though they have been given permission to stop trying to do it all.

If you like the power of tapping, here’s a link to a tapping sequence I created on dealing with overwhelm. I’m leaving this link active until December 28th to help you release some of your overwhelm. I hope you like it.

Click here to listen…

Anne Pustil, MEd, CCC,
President, Coaching In A Nutshell
Certified Therapist and Relationship Coach
http://www.CoachingInANutshell.com
[email protected]